Anger

A friend of mine mentioned that it was difficult to be around sperm donor offspring because they are so angry.  It got me thinking about anger.  I said to myself "I'm not angry any more, just upset" at how the whole sperm donor business is run.  I'm not angry!  But...the more I thought about it...the more my old well of anger resurfaced.  I am angry!

Initially, after finding out about being a sperm donor offspring, right after my dad passed away, I was so angry at my dad for not telling us about it.  We had a relationship based on a lie our whole lives.  I couldn't talk to him about it.  I felt I would have loved him more if we could have had an open and honest relationship.  He was a great, caring man who would do anything for you.  He was a product of his time, when a lot of things weren't talked about.  I try to understand where he was coming from.  The doctor did tell my parents that it was best not to tell anyone, including us.  My dad thought he was doing what was best based on doctor's advice.  But it did interfere with our relationship...the reserve, hidden innuendos.  I knew he had secrets, just never imagined this scenario.  Those first two years after he passed I was intensely angry with him, rather than being able to grieve his loss.

Anger now...I can understand why sperm donor offspring are angry.  People assume that we should be grateful for being conceived from a sperm donor because otherwise we wouldn't be alive....existential debt.  Yet, there are those of us who have had difficult lives and complicated relationships, and times when we wished we weren't alive.  Is that normal for the general population too?  I don't know what the statistics are.  Who knows if sperm donor offspring are more likely to have troubled feelings and thoughts about not being alive.  But that element does exist.

Anger about the sperm donor industry.  Yes, absolutely.  Doctors playing god with people's lives, the lies and deceit, eugenics...how does one deal with having 45 half-siblings and knowing that there are hundreds (or thousands) more out there...  Some sperm donor offspring are angry, and it is difficult to hear their anger and be around it...but it is real...and with good reason.  It is reality.

As for me, I do have a well of anger and a well of sadness inside of myself.  I choose to ignore them and live my life, but they are there, and can be opened back up.  I choose not to focus on the anger now, but rather advocacy for change.  However, the root of wanting to make change is the anger.  Yes, sperm donor offspring are angry.  I am angry!